Grasping at straws.

I’ve felt very weak and tired and have mostly been in bed the last couple of weeks. Been suffering from heart failure and haven’t been able to go outside of the apartment as I have been so extremely short of breath. This went on for three weeks and I finally started to feel better, but on Maundy Thursday, I was admitted to the hospital due to heart fibrillation, a very high pulse and fever. Have been there since then and my pulse is still about double of what it normally is (around 120-130 bpm) and I need to take medication to try to keep it down.

However, this would prove not to be my biggest concern. For the last month, my thrombocytes (blood platelets) have been decreasing and they finally decided to take a new bone marrow sample to see if there was leukemia in the bone marrow again which could explain this. On Friday afternoon I found out that there was and the chances of me surviving are thus very low. My doctor said that they would be “grasping at straws” trying different treatments. And, if they would manage to get rid of the leukemia, I would still have to go through a second stem cell transplant. Even though I knew the odds weren’t really on my side before this, it still feels very difficult to take in. I could die very soon, without successful treatment, I have about three months.

I had to talk to my doctor regarding my take on resuscitation and life support measures and my answer is that I don’t want any of it. I wouldn’t want to wake up with tubes in me and most likely just be waiting for death to come. So, things are looking really bad at the moment and my biggest fear is that I will just get more tired and weak and not being able to feel like myself anymore before I go. It scares the h*** out of me.

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