Good morning.

Sitting at our kitchen table surrounded by different types of medicines, saline solution and anticoagulant shots. There is a lot to keep track of during the day when you’re at home and don’t have someone coming in to your room whenever it is time to take some pills. Harald has learned to give me shots twice a day. My brother flushes the Midline in my arm (venous catheter) three times per day, I’m taking antibiotics three times against the pneumonia it turned out that I have, plus other pills morning and evening.

I managed to get rid of almost all the fluids that I had retained when I was in the hospital, so now I am just a bit swollen, but I am having a hard time getting fluids in to my system. My taste buds have changed drastically and water tastes horrible so I cannot drink it. The only thing that goes down is yogurt, cold blueberry soup and Coke Zero (regular coke tastes bad). I have really tried every drink there is but they all make me feel nauseated. I can drink 0.5 dl of water if I put in ALL the juice from one lemon. If I add more water, I can feel the taste of water and I can’t drink it…

I am starting to get more food down, but that is also a huge problem when it comes to taste. Things smell and taste differently and some things I can eat once, and then no more. I try to eat foods with a lot of water such as peppers and cucumber, but it will never be enough to replace water. 1,5 week ago I ate a lot of water melon, but I can’t eat that anymore. I get a craving for something and I eat only that until it just stops tasting good. Not drinking enough makes me very tired and it’s terrible to feel thirsty all the time.

I got signed out of the hospital on Thursday the 27th. I have an appointment this coming Thursday (January 3rd) to discuss further treatment. Right now they have three alternatives; to give me the same chemo as the first time, to give me ordinary chemo (which means losing my hair again) or radiation. Right now I feel that I really do not want to do another round of chemo. But I guess if they say that is my best option I suppose I probably will…

These past few days at home have been very good in one way as I have been able to be home and spend a lot of time with my family, but at the same time it has been really tough knowing that this is not the end of the treatment and that all that is left is to rehabilitate and get back to my ordinary life. It is such a long way to go (if they will even be able to cure me) and I have been having a lot of death anxiety and it is hard to manage. A lot of the time I find it difficult to really be happy about anything at all and I’m wondering what I will do if they say that they cannot treat me anymore.

I still stand by everything that I have written before and that I can accept that I will die at some point or another, it’s just that when I have been so sick and feeling horrible physically this past month, it is difficult to fathom how I will cope if that would continue to the end.

15 Replies to “Good morning.”

  1. Så skönt att du kan vara hemma , Hanna! Det måste kännas skönt att slippa sjukhusmiljön, även om du är i fantastiskt goda händer där. Jag önskar dig, Harald och hela familjen ett fint nyår.
    Stor kram och varma tankar!

  2. Ser fram emot den dag då du kan ägna din talang åt annat än skriva insiktsfulla rapporter från cancerfronten. Så jobbigt att läsa och inse hur många tusen gånger värre det är att uppleva. Kämpa Hanna! Och må 2019 bli ett gott år. På riktigt.

  3. Styrkekramar till dig och din fina familj. Du skriver så det känns som man satt bredvid dig vid köksbordet och det är så svårt att ta in att du ska behöva gå igenom allt detta. Jag hoppas så innerligt att allt detta leder till att du blir frisk och kan återgå till det vanliga livet och lämna allt det här bakom dig. Hälsa din mamma och dina fina syskon! kramar från oss alla i familjen <3

  4. Ja fy farao min kära Hanna! Kämpa på med citronen, ta en dag i taget. Skönt att få några dagar hemma och få stöd av din familj. Du är i min tankar och jag önskar dig en mysig Nyårsafton med massa citroner, blåbärssoppa och annat gott. Många stora kramar till dig!

  5. Alla tankar och hopp om lite bättre år nästa år! Tack för att jag får “sitta bredvid” dig när du berättar. Kram!

  6. Heja dig Hanna,
    Skickar styrkekramar i mängder till dig och hoppas att 2019 blir ett Gott år för dig och de dina.
    Skönt att höra att du är hemma och fortsätt kämpa på.
    Du är fantastisk och är i mina tankar ofta.
    Stor nyårskram till dig Hanna.

  7. Kära Hanna, idag fick du några besked. Hur som, så tänker jag att ta an tiden med mycket korta intervall, 1-5 minuter åt gången. Bara dra sig över tiden. De större beslut kommers av sig själv allt eftersom. Du kommer att veta.
    ❤️Judit

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